It hasn't even been 12 hours since my last post. But I've made up my mind on a couple of things...
Boy Number 1 is dangerous ground and it took a long time to get over him. He wasn't particularly nice (and yet he could be wonderful) and had some sides that I didn't like. I've decided I also don't want to be his friend again. This is a decision I've made but I'm worried that as soon as he comes calling I'm going to crumble. About 3 months after we had our 'falling out' I was very rarely thinking about him and I wasn't really curious. Then when I found out he wanted to be friends again all the old curiosities came back. They are not welcome in my head. I was hesitant at first about writing about him on the net (for some stupid reason i feared he would find out/be curious/be keeping tabs on my blogs and realise it was him I was talking about) I now realise that this was a stupid concern. I doubt very much he's ever clicked on the link from my myspace to this blog. i recently found out that he has a girlfriend and all the questions I'd stopped caring about suddenly pushed to the front of my mind and demanded answers; "why - even during our non-anything - would he make eyes at me and kiss all my friends?" "why was it ok to put others in 'danger' and not me?" "if what he said was true then why does it make his reaction and the circumstances different with her?"
I wish I didn't care. There is no way I want to be around him anymore, and no way I want to fall back into that hole; but I can't help wishing for closure.
Once before I managed very effectively to push him out of my head and now I'm hoping for the strength to do it again and this time forever.
My dilemma (or should I say my other dilemma?) is this: Boy Number 2.
It is quite clear that I've got a bit of a crush on him. One I'm not forcing myself to have :) this is good and bad. Good because it gives me something to think about and want :p and bad because I torn between telling him outright (which has previously got me nowhere and just made things awkward) and subtly flirting. I suck at flirting and after reading the advice from Miss M I am inclined against it. I want to be outright but will that just scare him off? Does he have a crush on me and is just waiting for a sign? I sure hope so.
My idea is as follows: tonight/next time we talk I shall say something along the lines of "I hope you don't mind but I've got a bit of a crush on you". What do you think? Too icky? Should I say it at the beginning or just before i get off the phone?
In need of support and advice (and a clear head and guts and courage)
Z
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3 comments:
Boy 1:
i think that cutting him out might be the best thing for you. he has other people to rely on and you don't need him to validate you. (i am also sorry if i have had any part in bringing all the bad stuff back up.)
Boy 2: if you're ready to hear his answer, and ready to possibly be hurt by him, then tell him.
don't worry hunnie it had nothing to do with you. LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Hmmm, what a pickle. I would definately have to say power to ya sista for cuttin goff boy number 1 - he was a nogoodnick through and through and just gave you grief.
Boy no.2 though - this is more murky territory. If you do tell him outright, good on you and you're a lot braver than i've ever been (i always chicken out) though i must say i can flirt the pants off anyone - literally - so i guess i've always just done taht instead. Ultimately it's just like what anonymous says - if you are ready and able to deal with the concequences, whatever they may be, then go for it!
Kisses, L.
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