It hasn't even been 12 hours since my last post. But I've made up my mind on a couple of things...
Boy Number 1 is dangerous ground and it took a long time to get over him. He wasn't particularly nice (and yet he could be wonderful) and had some sides that I didn't like. I've decided I also don't want to be his friend again. This is a decision I've made but I'm worried that as soon as he comes calling I'm going to crumble. About 3 months after we had our 'falling out' I was very rarely thinking about him and I wasn't really curious. Then when I found out he wanted to be friends again all the old curiosities came back. They are not welcome in my head. I was hesitant at first about writing about him on the net (for some stupid reason i feared he would find out/be curious/be keeping tabs on my blogs and realise it was him I was talking about) I now realise that this was a stupid concern. I doubt very much he's ever clicked on the link from my myspace to this blog. i recently found out that he has a girlfriend and all the questions I'd stopped caring about suddenly pushed to the front of my mind and demanded answers; "why - even during our non-anything - would he make eyes at me and kiss all my friends?" "why was it ok to put others in 'danger' and not me?" "if what he said was true then why does it make his reaction and the circumstances different with her?"
I wish I didn't care. There is no way I want to be around him anymore, and no way I want to fall back into that hole; but I can't help wishing for closure.
Once before I managed very effectively to push him out of my head and now I'm hoping for the strength to do it again and this time forever.
My dilemma (or should I say my other dilemma?) is this: Boy Number 2.
It is quite clear that I've got a bit of a crush on him. One I'm not forcing myself to have :) this is good and bad. Good because it gives me something to think about and want :p and bad because I torn between telling him outright (which has previously got me nowhere and just made things awkward) and subtly flirting. I suck at flirting and after reading the advice from Miss M I am inclined against it. I want to be outright but will that just scare him off? Does he have a crush on me and is just waiting for a sign? I sure hope so.
My idea is as follows: tonight/next time we talk I shall say something along the lines of "I hope you don't mind but I've got a bit of a crush on you". What do you think? Too icky? Should I say it at the beginning or just before i get off the phone?
In need of support and advice (and a clear head and guts and courage)
Z
Friday, July 27, 2007
continuing on
well it's past midnight and I'm still awake. i would hi-five myself (my favourite thing to do at the moment... no to myself though... unless it's necessary) but I'm lacking the energy. However I do still have the energy to write this.
Someone once told me that my blog theme was teen angst. It's probably true. So I'm not going to disappoint:
I have turmoil over two boys at the moment. Drama! One is an old flame, we had a falling out and now he wants to be 'part of my life again'. My spider-sense is telling me to back away, turn around and run as far and fast as possible without looking back. Unfortunately I'm strong but not that strong and i have a desperate need for some form of closure. I am, however, determined not to make first contact. If he wants to be friends he can make the effort.
Ahem...
The other boy is by far the better. He is smart, kind, funny, healthy, nice, caring, quirky, kinky, cute, likes to get naked, can talk for hours with no awkwardness and so on. One slight problem: I have NO IDEA how to flirt with him or let him know I like him without just saying it - which I am not going to do; I've made that mistake before and am all for learning from it. Apparently I am a 'natural flirt' this is not such a bad thing except when you actually want someone to pick-up that you're flirting and they think you're just being normal.
I am also terrified. I hate being rejected (doesn't everyone?) and it seems that that's all that happens when I put my emotions out there. So no more emotion-putting-out for me.
When I think of boy-number-1 I feel worried and concerned and confused and definitely not happy. Boy-number-2, however, gives me butterflies and makes me smile and I'm always hoping he's going to call. I really should pluck up the courage and call him...
It is clear which is the right choice and yet here I am frowning away and wrinkling my forehead; damn. I dunno what it is about BN1 but he's definitely not good news and definitely not a good idea. Actually I know exactly what it is about BN1 and I can just hope that when he comes calling I have the metal to resist. I also hope I have the metal and the know-how to convince BN2 that I have some good qualities and that he should be interested in me... and that he has a chance.
Well anyway even if I haven't resolved any issues at least I've finally posted another blog.
Open to any advice (mostly on flirting obviously... also on how to avoid falling into a hole I just climbed out of)
Z xox
Someone once told me that my blog theme was teen angst. It's probably true. So I'm not going to disappoint:
I have turmoil over two boys at the moment. Drama! One is an old flame, we had a falling out and now he wants to be 'part of my life again'. My spider-sense is telling me to back away, turn around and run as far and fast as possible without looking back. Unfortunately I'm strong but not that strong and i have a desperate need for some form of closure. I am, however, determined not to make first contact. If he wants to be friends he can make the effort.
Ahem...
The other boy is by far the better. He is smart, kind, funny, healthy, nice, caring, quirky, kinky, cute, likes to get naked, can talk for hours with no awkwardness and so on. One slight problem: I have NO IDEA how to flirt with him or let him know I like him without just saying it - which I am not going to do; I've made that mistake before and am all for learning from it. Apparently I am a 'natural flirt' this is not such a bad thing except when you actually want someone to pick-up that you're flirting and they think you're just being normal.
I am also terrified. I hate being rejected (doesn't everyone?) and it seems that that's all that happens when I put my emotions out there. So no more emotion-putting-out for me.
When I think of boy-number-1 I feel worried and concerned and confused and definitely not happy. Boy-number-2, however, gives me butterflies and makes me smile and I'm always hoping he's going to call. I really should pluck up the courage and call him...
It is clear which is the right choice and yet here I am frowning away and wrinkling my forehead; damn. I dunno what it is about BN1 but he's definitely not good news and definitely not a good idea. Actually I know exactly what it is about BN1 and I can just hope that when he comes calling I have the metal to resist. I also hope I have the metal and the know-how to convince BN2 that I have some good qualities and that he should be interested in me... and that he has a chance.
Well anyway even if I haven't resolved any issues at least I've finally posted another blog.
Open to any advice (mostly on flirting obviously... also on how to avoid falling into a hole I just climbed out of)
Z xox
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