The Dramas of Returning

i just recently returned from Sweden. yes it was fantastic. words can't describe the fun and good times had by all... actually they probably could but I'm to lazy to go into details.

I've been home a week and am getting a tad tired of hearing "so tell me about Sweden" please if you're going to ask, ask specific questions (or at least one), give me something to start with because as soon as i hear "tell me about Sweden" my mind goes completely blank.

so tonight, being Tuesday, i went to my dancing class. i must say that yes it was 'my' dancing class. when it first began i roped all my dear friends (who lived relatively close) into coming with me to learn Ballroom Latin - a few steps (haha) away from Street Latin but I'm sure I'll get there in the end. about 3 or 4 months in i left to go to Sweden and they all continued dancing - needless to say in 3 months they learnt quite a bit. so tonight i went along to see if i could catch up or if i had to change classes. Luckily for me i have wonderful friends who took the time to show me the new steps and i was able to pick it all up with minimal dizziness and no falling over (phew).

This dancing session not only taught me several new moves (one of which was called 'swing' i ain't never seen swing like that before! i call it Ballroom Swing) but made me realise something about myself. something I've been trying to avoid admitting to myself. I am an obsessive and possessive person.

An example: one of above mentioned dear friends is a boy. (A couple of them are boys but we'll focus on the issue at hand.) We are pretty close and have known each other for just over a year. we used to spend at least an hour together everyday and our friendship is one that is made up of flirting, making fun of each other (mostly him making fun of me and me retaliating by telling him to shut-up - but not in a mean way its all very.... in jokey behaviour.), and not being to touchy-feely - like some messed up friendships I've had - but still being able to a) hug or b) beat each other up.

Now a about a week or two after i left for Sweden said boy got a girlfriend - the first the whole time that I've known him. Said boy and i had always been single together and I'd introduced him to a couple of my girls but he told me he just didn't want a relationship, i was perfectly fine with this. so for almost 3 months I've been hearing about The Girlfriend not an overload mind, but he's pretty into her (as far as i can tell with this being the first time I've seen him in a couple). apparently she heard all about me too.

So i was excited about meeting this new addition to our group. As i walked towards her i realised that i already new her and was 'friends' with her big sister. we had a moment where we chatted and exchanged pleasantries and then headed off to dancing. Said Boy was very good at dividing his limbs and time between us. but i must confess that i found The Girlfriend rather irritating and annoying. she's nice she's just.... i dunno a combination of tooo chatty and tooo much information (not in a bad way just unnecessary) and i must confess she took up tooooooo much of Said Boy's time.

i don't know if i have a crush on Said Boy or whether I'm just jealous that he has to spend less time with me now. i pride myself on acting - very convincingly - very cool and collected and not letting on how much this situation got to me. Usually when we went dancing I would spend almost the whole time dancing with Said Boy and he's a pretty good dancer :) but now i had to spend even less time with him and i had so much fun when he would take me in his arms and show me how to do certain steps i was struggling with. have you ever done a dip? to me a dip is a pretty ... sexual move; all about relying on the other person (which I'm not good at) and being held in a very... close and... provocative way - at least that's they way it feels. I have a lot of trouble with the dip because it makes me feel awkward and i hate relying on someone else to hold up my body weight - even though I'm doing most of the holding (if you've done a dip you'll know what i mean). Yet with Said Boy i can do it, it all goes smoothly - after a few tries - and i can dip.

later on the way home my friend (who was giving me a lift) said that Said Boy only acts bossy and like he did at dancing when I'm around. Does this mean I'm a bad influence? Does it mean there's something else between us? Does this mean anything???

but what I've realized is that I'm possessive of Said Boy and a couple of other guys I've known for a long time and who have been single for awhile. It's not just single guys that I'm possessive of it's also close or good friends; i get jealous when they hang with other people when I'm not around and I'm always paranoid that I'm missing out on something. yet... i hope that I'm not and i wish i could stop it. The best i can do is pretend; put on my smiling face and talk my head off and let everyone know I'm just fine and happy for my friends and their new partners/friends.