The Fish

So, in case you don't know much about me, i have one great and constant love in my life (apart from Seb of course ;p) this happens to be my fish. we have gone through some trying times - including several deaths, lots of sex (between the fish and the other fish - not me), several successful births and many miscarriages, a few murders, attacks, isolation issues and cannibalism - but the love has always been there... somewhere. the most trying time, on my part at least, was leaving for three months and trusting them in the care of a dear friend. my fishies are guppies and of the three adults (quite old for guppies) and the 20-40 babies i left behind only one adult and 11 babies survived. this was better then i expected - not because of bad caring but because fish can be incredibly hard to keep alive and since the babies enjoy ganging up on each other and eating the loser i was impressed that 11 lived.

Now, instead of being microscopically small and without any colour, they are the length of my thumb nail and very brightly coloured (mixes of blue, gold and orange/red - i am such a good carer). the girls (6) all have gold bodies, blue fins and a gold tail with a tiny dot or a line of red near the top of the tail. the boys (4) are all identical to the adult - silver body with gold and blue dots (one of each colour) and a red/orange tail but, unlike the adult, they have a dark outline around their tails and fins. each one is marginally different.

i know you're thinking i can't add up because 6 + 4 does not make 11 babies but late last night tragedy struck. i was heading off to bed and on my way i checked on my beautiful fishies (just coz i love to look at them) and i caught them all swimming around and nipping the youngest and smallest fish. she had died and they had eaten her fins and tail off (I'm not sure if it was before or after she died). it gets a tad frustrating when they eat each other even though I've I'll ready fed them for the day. its seems fish are perpetually hungry. i was most sad and carefully removed her and put her down the toilet (fishy burial ground) feeling a tad remorseful that i hadn't had the chance to name her.

however the others are all still happy and healthy and being very social. Guppies are surface fish; meaning they hang round the top of the tank at the water line and rarely go onto the bottom - unless searching for food. when you approach the tank the immediately swim up to the glass and follow your finger. they love people and light and are total party fishies.

for my birthday Boy and Girl (aka my brother and sister) gave me a 3ft fish tank. it was the one I'd been dreaming of buying since i first got fish. it was the tank i had shown Girl in the store and said "when i get back from Sweden I'm going to get this one". it was the tank that i couldn't afford and now it was mine. you can imagine my glee and the euphoric state it put me in and i still get a buzz every time i lay eyes on it - even thinking about it gives me a thrill.

the day after i received the tank Girl took me to the fish store so i could buy the necessaries: gravel, heater, light, filter. i had the most fun setting it up. it was a way of getting my homework done; every time i completed something i could spend a little more time on my tank. it looks fantastic. i have red/brown gravel on the bottom (washed thoroughly by my papa), a big heater keeping it at approx 25-28 degrees (perfect for tropical fish), a MASSIVE heater which makes a wonderful running water sound until you push it under the water - it made such a nice sound that no one could sleep and made the boys need to pee - a few plants from the old tank and the center piece. the item that completes the tank: a pirate ship wreck. yes that's right a pirate ship. think Pirates of the Caribbean people! i put a plant in the bottom of it so it looks like it has been there for centuries and things are growing out of it... which they are.

so after i had set up the tank (completed on Monday night) and added the necessary elements to the water (hardening salts and ph up powder and good bacteria) i left it to mature for a few days. this is necessary to prevent shocking the fish and overloading the system when the fish are introduced. it gets the cycle going.

today was the big day. after working on my philosophy SAC for a few hours i approached the tank with care and checked its vitals (temp, light, water) everything was good. i then removed the lid. going over to the little tank (right beside the big one) i scooped out some fish with my scooping container and let them slowly swim into their new, improved and giant home. when they didn't die immediately i add the other fish. everything was OK!

i then go the pleasure of watching them explore and swim about. they didn't venture down to the ship but swam around the top and enjoyed attempting to swim across the filter outlet (where all the clean water comes out) without getting spun away. most amusing :)

this is far to long but i just wanted to convey how happy their happiness makes me, how much i missed them, how excited i am bout the new tank and how much I'm looking forward to going Fish Shopping.

The Dramas of Returning

i just recently returned from Sweden. yes it was fantastic. words can't describe the fun and good times had by all... actually they probably could but I'm to lazy to go into details.

I've been home a week and am getting a tad tired of hearing "so tell me about Sweden" please if you're going to ask, ask specific questions (or at least one), give me something to start with because as soon as i hear "tell me about Sweden" my mind goes completely blank.

so tonight, being Tuesday, i went to my dancing class. i must say that yes it was 'my' dancing class. when it first began i roped all my dear friends (who lived relatively close) into coming with me to learn Ballroom Latin - a few steps (haha) away from Street Latin but I'm sure I'll get there in the end. about 3 or 4 months in i left to go to Sweden and they all continued dancing - needless to say in 3 months they learnt quite a bit. so tonight i went along to see if i could catch up or if i had to change classes. Luckily for me i have wonderful friends who took the time to show me the new steps and i was able to pick it all up with minimal dizziness and no falling over (phew).

This dancing session not only taught me several new moves (one of which was called 'swing' i ain't never seen swing like that before! i call it Ballroom Swing) but made me realise something about myself. something I've been trying to avoid admitting to myself. I am an obsessive and possessive person.

An example: one of above mentioned dear friends is a boy. (A couple of them are boys but we'll focus on the issue at hand.) We are pretty close and have known each other for just over a year. we used to spend at least an hour together everyday and our friendship is one that is made up of flirting, making fun of each other (mostly him making fun of me and me retaliating by telling him to shut-up - but not in a mean way its all very.... in jokey behaviour.), and not being to touchy-feely - like some messed up friendships I've had - but still being able to a) hug or b) beat each other up.

Now a about a week or two after i left for Sweden said boy got a girlfriend - the first the whole time that I've known him. Said boy and i had always been single together and I'd introduced him to a couple of my girls but he told me he just didn't want a relationship, i was perfectly fine with this. so for almost 3 months I've been hearing about The Girlfriend not an overload mind, but he's pretty into her (as far as i can tell with this being the first time I've seen him in a couple). apparently she heard all about me too.

So i was excited about meeting this new addition to our group. As i walked towards her i realised that i already new her and was 'friends' with her big sister. we had a moment where we chatted and exchanged pleasantries and then headed off to dancing. Said Boy was very good at dividing his limbs and time between us. but i must confess that i found The Girlfriend rather irritating and annoying. she's nice she's just.... i dunno a combination of tooo chatty and tooo much information (not in a bad way just unnecessary) and i must confess she took up tooooooo much of Said Boy's time.

i don't know if i have a crush on Said Boy or whether I'm just jealous that he has to spend less time with me now. i pride myself on acting - very convincingly - very cool and collected and not letting on how much this situation got to me. Usually when we went dancing I would spend almost the whole time dancing with Said Boy and he's a pretty good dancer :) but now i had to spend even less time with him and i had so much fun when he would take me in his arms and show me how to do certain steps i was struggling with. have you ever done a dip? to me a dip is a pretty ... sexual move; all about relying on the other person (which I'm not good at) and being held in a very... close and... provocative way - at least that's they way it feels. I have a lot of trouble with the dip because it makes me feel awkward and i hate relying on someone else to hold up my body weight - even though I'm doing most of the holding (if you've done a dip you'll know what i mean). Yet with Said Boy i can do it, it all goes smoothly - after a few tries - and i can dip.

later on the way home my friend (who was giving me a lift) said that Said Boy only acts bossy and like he did at dancing when I'm around. Does this mean I'm a bad influence? Does it mean there's something else between us? Does this mean anything???

but what I've realized is that I'm possessive of Said Boy and a couple of other guys I've known for a long time and who have been single for awhile. It's not just single guys that I'm possessive of it's also close or good friends; i get jealous when they hang with other people when I'm not around and I'm always paranoid that I'm missing out on something. yet... i hope that I'm not and i wish i could stop it. The best i can do is pretend; put on my smiling face and talk my head off and let everyone know I'm just fine and happy for my friends and their new partners/friends.